Snape's Chambers

Snape's Chambers -- the funny side of liking Professor Snape  
Severus Snape
Snape for Dummies
Alan Rickman
Facts and Rumours
Snape Wouldn't Say
Too Much Snape
Snape Top Ten
Snape's Corner
Marriage Prospectives
Tic Tac Toe
Agony Snape
Ask Snape
Dating Snape
Oh, the sanity!
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You can add your Top Tens of Snape in this section. Click here to add more.  

Top Ten Things Snape Keeps Under His Bed

10. A gun
9. Lost Slippers
8. Unused bottles of shampoo
7. Posters of his teenage pop idols
6. Weights
5. A magazine
4. Used condom
3. Unauthorized explosive devices
2. Baby pictures
1. Detailed plan to take over Hogwarts

Top Ten Things That Go Through Snape's Head

10. Why am I teaching?
9. Is it true that Miss Granger is going out with Potter?
8. I wonder what's for lunch
7. I wonder how many people notice I work out
6. Why is a Gryffindor nearly as clever as I?
5. You b******!
4. How do I kill Potter without getting caught?
3. I can't wait until school ends!
2. Why couldn't I get the scar?
1. My robes are sexier than everyone elses

Top Ten of Snape's Dreams (Tanya)

10. Wearing a lovely, green dress
9. Being stronger than Voldemort, so he can kick his ass!
8. Me (Tanya lil Snake) in bed with him. LOL!
7. The DADA job
6. Having clean hair!
5. Smiling
4. Changing into an animal
3. Smack Lockhart, really hard, in the face!
2. Getting Harry thrown out of Hogwarts
1. Killing Harry Potter!

Top Ten Things Snape Loves About Hogwarts (Cody)

10. There are places one can be alone, if one needs to.
9. Raiding the fridge at night is a snap.
8. MOST of his colleagues are up to snuff.
7. With all the enchanted security, no one will ever find out he wears rabbit slippers to bed.
6. He can re-visit all his high-school horrors upon the students he teaches! (Revenge is sweet.)
5. It's rather gothic atmosphere nicely compliments his one colour wardrobe.
4. Annually and effectively he gets to scare the crap out of vulnerable first years. Thus, the legacy lives on.
3. Even though it's painful to admit, he does actually leech some mild satisfaction from passing valuable magical information to the future witches and wizards.
2. The one man he can trust completely is the headmaster.
1. At the end of the year, THE KIDS GO HOME!

Top Ten Things Severus has on his Wish List (Lucy)

10. The DADA job
9. Neville shot
8. Lockhart neutered
7. Britney Spears
6. Lupin put down
5. Stop having that dream about handcuffs
4. Not being a sex symbol
3. Stop having Trelawney pester me for sexual favours
2. No students
1. Sirius Black tied up, in a sound-proof room with an array of surgical implements

Snape's Top Ten Topics of Conversation on Dates (Rachel)

10. His hair "Do you like it? Do you?"
9. His nose "So you don't think it's a bit long then?"
8. His bulging biceps "Would you like to feel them?"
7. His new robe "Really brings out my eyes, don't you think?"
6. His favourite colour "Did you know there's all different shades of black? For example..."
5. The DADA job "Bloody Lockhart. Bloody Lupin. Sodding Dumbledore."
4. His hobbies "Well, obviously denigrating Gryffindors, darling, what else are they for?"
3. His friends "So I said to the hag, Evie, darling, of COURSE you're ugly, you're a hag for godssakes..."
2. His potions job "Oh, the laughs we had with the powdered Mandrake root. Oh, those were the days... Bloody Dumbledore... mutter mutter mutter... DADA..."
1. Harry Potter "So tell me about yourself..."

Top Ten Things you don't Wanna Know About Snape

10. How many countries have a warrent for his arrest
9. What he eats at Hogswart
8. How many people he has killed in his life
7. His ex-girlfriends or mates
6. If he can sing
5. What parts of his body he's seen, internally
4. How many wizards hate him
3. His dreams
2. How he makes his hair look greasy
1. If he's had sex

Top Ten Girls in Severus Snape's Life (Sailor Neptune, Tira Misu and Chocolate Misu)

10. Professor McGonagall (LOL!)
9. Professor Trelawney (GASP!!! Today's prediction is... ah, what is this? A greasy-haired man is... in love with me?!)
8. Hermione Granger (Isn't she... a bit too young?)
7. Jennifer Lopez ('Cause I'm real, and I can't go on without you!)
6. Britney Spears (Yes, Severus, she's a slave for you!)
5. Fleur Delacour (Pardonez-moi, Professor Ssssnape, vhy are you soooo cute?)
4. Narcissa Malfoy, Draco's mom (Tira and Choco thought of it! Naughty, naughty...)
3. Tira Misu and her sister Choco (Tira&Choco: That's us! We tied! We tied!)
2. Me, Sailor Neptune! (Figures...)
1. His mother!!! (Mama, I love you...)

Top Ten Things Snape Does NOT Want for X-mas (Leuce)

10. A gift certificate for anything at Zonko's Joke Shop. (That stuff is so childish)
9. Beanie Babies. (Just forget it pal)
8. Anything with 'Batteries not included". (Nobody likes that)
7. Boxer shorts with a picture of mistletoe and the words 'Kiss Me Here'
6. Aroma therapy candles, incense, meditation music, and book of Zen to help him relax.
5. A 'Little Wizard's First Potions Set - for ages 10 & up!'
4. A cute cocker spaniel puppy with pink bow on its neck (live or stuffed)
3. Lump of coal in his stocking (same damn thing he gets every year...)
2. Pair of thick woolen socks. (Save those for Dumbledore)
1. Absolutely NOTHING remotely connected to the 'Harry Potter' collection -- books, games, toys, NOTHING! (Except maybe one of those action figures called the Masterful Professor of Potions, that's not too bad...)

Top Ten Things Snape Would Be Happy About (Livia Starling)

10. Getting the DADA job
9. Slytherin winning the House Cup
8. Harry Potter expelled (he'd probably be in a good mood for the rest of the year)
7. Being allowed to expel a student whenever they got too annoying
6. All fanfics about him destroyed
5. Sirius Black arrested
4. Not having to teach little brats for the rest of his life!!!
3. Defeating Voldemort ALL BY HIMSELF
2. Meeting me! (Livia Starling)
1. Lockhart destroyed

Top Ten People Snape Hates (DeathChocobo)

10. Voldemont(don't we all)
9. Proffessor McGongall
8. Ron Weasly (Little Brat)
7. Trevor
6. Neville (kid can't do anything right)
5. Sirius Black (God, I hate him)
4. Anyone that gets the DADA job before he does
3. Idiotic Children (ex: Neville)
2. James Potter (Well, he's dead anyways)
1. Harry Potter (Grr..I hate him so much)

Top Ten Snape`s Secret Lovers (Stella)

10.Prof.McGonagall (..if I can`t get anyone else to warm up my bed.)
9.Lucius Malfoy (fun to play with)
8.Lockhart (he`s very usefull...)
7.Sirius Black (he`s my dog...)
6.Michael Jackson (he`s so weird and sexy)
5.Neville Longbottom
4.Harry Potter (I will learn him a lesson..)
3.Draco Malfoy (that boy can`t resist me!)
1.Stella Snake (she`s my true love!)

Top Ten of How We Like our Potions Master Best! (Juliet)

10. Six feet under.(Nooooooooooooo!!!!)
9. With dreadlocks (I'd like to see that! Well, he's not that far away from it.... as long as you do not give him shampoo, we're fine! :)
8. In class, in total control (Ooooooh, give me detention!)
7. With washed hair (what would he look like then?)
6. Looking at you the way he looked at Harry in the film, during the start-of-term banquet(oooooh, melt! Syn, I sent you that pic, better put it up soon for the sake of common welfare!!)
5. In a dark alley (nobody'll be able to see you two! *wink wink*)
4. When he just drank Love Potion which you gave him saying it was home made pumpkin juice (can't believe he bought that!! Muhahaha!!)
3. Naked, except for his swooshing cloak (Yeah!.... LOL!)
2. On top! (Syn: LMAO!)
1. Just the way he is (eventually, don't we all agree?)

The Top Ten Things Snape Wouldn't Do! (Warning: Contains sex. LOL! *shrugs*) (Tanya)

10. Smile
9. Brush his teeth with Ice White toothpaste!
8. Die his hair blonde with pink highlights... (Makes you want to be sick, no?)
7. Wear something other than black or grey... (Unless his skin. LOL!)
6. Wear Nike sport traniners (white)
5. Sit down infront of the class, rubbing his crotch and grinning at all the girls!(LOL!)
4. In the dinner hall, rub Dumbledore's leg up and down (LOL!)
3. Walk into a Potions lesson wearing no pants, then ask a pupil to lift his robe (Imagine if he asked me! LOL!)
2. Tie his hair in a ponytail
1. Lean over Harry and start stroking his back sexually (LOL! Now that would be funny!)

Top Ten of Snape's Dreams (Da Teen Witch)

10. Getting rid of all mudbloods (exept Hermione - she's hot!)
9. Getting a cool tattoo next to his dark mark (something saying 'mother')
8. Starting a 'Dark Mark' club (free dark marks for everyone!!)
7. Killing Lockhart
6. Crushing Neville
5. Making Harry fall flat on his face in every Quidditch game he plays for the rest of his life. (Muhahahahaha!)
4. Getting Narcissa to elope with him (Noooooo.....!!)
3. Getting a new robe for the new year (Black, of course!)
2. Starring in the next 'Planet of the Apes' movie... (Step aside Mark Wahlberg...)
1. The Puurrrfect date with Da Teen Witch!

Top Ten Things Snape Can't Live Without (Harriet Potter)

10. Air
9. Vital organs (bad jokes, I know, but Snape would just say the same!!)
8. His teddy his mother gave him from age five
6. Draco Malfoy (according to Snape, he is 'admirable' and a model student..)
5. The few people (like my sis) who hate him.
4. Food.
3. Water
2. Poisons (to poison Potter...)
1. Drumroll, please.............. Being sarcastic!!

Top Ten People Snape Would Never Kiss (unless he had a nasty blow to the head) (Harriet Potter)

10. Professor McGonagall
9. Professor Trelawney
8. Hermione Granger
7. Ron Weasley
6. Syn
5. Any Student
4. Christina Aguilera (Cos she hates Britney!)
3. Any other professor
2. Me, Harriet Potter (Syn: Hey! How come you get to be number 2 when I'm number 6? Oh wait, that's a good thing... Sorry, my bad)
1. My twin, Harry Potter!

Top Ten Colors Snape Would Wear if he were Forced to Wear Something Other than Black (Lisa Ann)

10. The Blackwatch tartan (Well, the Death Eaters never got around to making their own...)
9. Ash Grey (Nice and subdued)
8. Royal Purple (He's the Sovereign of his dungeon [and our hearts])
7. Cobalt Blue (It accentuates his eyes nicely)
6. Indigo (It's dark)
5. White (Like Daniel, Morpheus's successor)
4. Silver (One of Slytherin's house colours)
3. Blood Red (Yipes!)
2. Slytherin Green (Enough said)
1. Dark Grey (It's as close to black as he can get)

Top Ten Things Snape Wouldn't Do With His Hair (Kamrade Poi)

10. Grow it out (I like guys with long hair)
9. Braid it
8. Extentions
7. Put it in a ponytail
6. Cut it
5. Shave it
4. Dreadlocks (lol)
3. Perm it
2. Dye it
1. Wash it (I'd like to see that..j/k)

Top Ten Ways Of Pissing Snape Off

10. Insult his hair
9. Tell him that Potions suck
8. Try to beat up Draco while Snape's around
7. Propose marriage to [insert your name here (if you're opposite sex)]
6. Tell him he'll never become the DADA professor
5. Tell him he's named after a town
4. Threaten to cut his hair
3. Steal his black wardrobe
2. Ask him how his nose got like that.
1. Stare at him lovingly

Top Ten Things NOT to Send Snape in the Mail (DeathChocobo)

10. Various Love Letters
9. Poems involving the words "Oh Snapey your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind"
8.Various requests to braid his hair *cough*Red*cough*
7.Anything involving that lousy Harry Potter
6.Letter bombs
5.Stupid questions that dont even deserve to be answered *cough*Red*cough*
3.Fanfics about him having a love interest
2.Various Photos of yourself in *ahem* various positions::shudder::
1. Anything from my sister, RedChocobo

Top Ten Things Not to Do to Snape in Class (crystal_tiara17 (formerly known as Sailor Neptune))

10. Have a loud and long conversation with your friend/s in class.
9. Offend him and ask him how long has it been since he's washed his hair.
8. Sleep in class.
7. Tell the whole class he keeps stuffed toys under his bed, and show pictures or stuffed toys to prove it.
6. Tell the class Snape's an ex-Death Eater.
5. Sing the Barney theme song. Out loud.
4. Walk out in the middle of class.
3. Say Lockhart can teach better than him.
2. In the middle of class, stand up, hand him a pink envelope and say, "Here, Professor, a love letter from yours truly."
1. Say "Severus, last night was so much fun!"

Top Ten Things Snape Does In His Spare Time (Nick)

10. Mark work
9. Tell off Harry
8. Find ways to be mean
7. Look for something Hermione doesn't know
6. Do Ask Snape
5. Think about his next incounter with Voldermort
4. Think about Lilly
3. Look for love
2. Try to get away from us
1. Masturbate. (Sorry, it was the first thing that came to my mind...)

Top Ten Ways To Annoy Snape (Or maybe earn a years worth of detentions) (RedChocobo)

10.Pour a bit of love potion into his morning coffee while he's not looking (you may want a camera in hand)
9.Leave annoymous notes on his desk every morning that read "I love you" or "See you at 5" (be creative)
8.Say things loudly during important moments in his speeches, such as "What was the answer to number 1?" or "Can you repeat that?"
7. Cough every 5 minutes
6. Constantly correct him on spelling errors and such.
5. Stare at him, once in awhile raising your eyebrows suggestively
4. Come to class late and make a big show while going to your seat, which includes saying loudly "Pardon me, Excuse me..."
3. Fill your entire 'notebook' with only one sentence like "All work and no play make (insert name) a dull (boy/girl)" etc...
2. Suddenly stand up and burst into song in the middle of class.
1. Whenever he addresses you reply, "WAZZZUUPPP?!"

Top ten things Snape wouldn't do in a lesson (though we can still dream...) By hippie.girl

10. Don a fetching pink feather boa and ask students to call him 'Snuggles'
9. Get a student to sprinkle rose petals in his path as he strides back and forth looking pensive
8. Turn off the lights, sit cross legged on his desk and start humming show tunes
7. When someone asks a question, whip out a banjo and start singing Kumbayah (NB: my biology teacher actually did this once. It was most unnerving)
6. Begin the lesson by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka and announcing that the lesson will end when the booze runs out
5. Distribute dental floss round the class and dedicate the lesson to oral hygeine
4) Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
3. Shine a bright light at the class. Ask for each pupil's name, rank and serial number.
2. Mention in passing that he's wearing rubber underwear
1. Run into class, rip a textbook in half and scream "WHO'S READY TO GET DOWN WID THE POTIONS GROOOVE?! I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"

Top Ten Passwords (for his private chambers) By (Professor Alanna de Larrow)

10. Black Velvet
9. Ebony Silkiness (Jen/Alanna: A reference to his greasy hair *grin*)
8. Must Expel Potter
7. Neuter Sirius
6. Bloody Hell
5. Bugger Off
4. Flunk Neville
3. Kill Lockhart
2. Sexy Slitherin
1. Alanna is So Hot!

Top Ten Books Snape Would Never Read By Becky

10. Fundamentals of Personal Hygiene by Walter W. Krueger (THE HAIR IS A PART OF ME!!!)
9. A Magical Me by Gilderoy Lockheart (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!)
8. The Male and Female Reproductive Organs by Dr. Andrew Kramer (Actually I don't really mind skimming through the male part, but as I will never get married, the female area seems terribly unnecessary.)
7. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling (POTTER ALWAYS WINS!! WHY COULDN'T VOLDEMORT FINISH HIM OFF?!! Oh.. yeah... then I couldn't torture him anymore... BUT STILL!!)
6. The Poney Party by Loney M. Setnick... um... or is it? (Happiness! YUCK!)
5. Giving Birth by Allison Helsy, Jessica Helsy, Norma Lorburg and Silvia Kowel (Now, really! Those rumors about me reading this book is totally untrue. I just owned it when I was having a love affair with El-- OH DEAR ME!! I'VE SAID FAR TOO MUCH!!)
4. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling (TOO MUCH POTTER!!)
3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling (I was so looking forward to seeing Potter get ripped to shreds by that dragon his survival was too much for me to read about!!)
2. Meditation for Dummies by Dirk Sutro (As you know, I need meditation books for advanced meditators not for dummies and when I meditate I-- oops did I just say that out loud? I did? NOOOOOOOOO!!)
1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban by J.K. Rowling (Alright Potter winning everything was terrible enough, but I got an order of Merlin taken away and Serious got away. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!!)

Things Snape Does in the Shower By The Potion Mistress and Snake Gurl

10. Polishes wand ;)
9. Thinks about Harry Potter sneaking in and taking a picture of his booty.
8. Thinks about us! Kelly and Delilah!
7. Debates on washing hair (to wash or not to wash, that is the question) is that really a question? :p
6. Brings in an umbrella and a book.
5. Makes Love Potion #9. Teehee!
4. Wounders if Syn will start up a section of Snape's Shower Cam (WE WISH!).
3. Sings (oh, where did my salt shaker goooooooo?)
2. Pretends that soap on a rope is a valuble treasure.
1. *Drumroll* NOTHING! He doesn't even know what a shower is! LOL!

Top Ten Things Snape Likes About the Muggle World By Psyburn150

10. Cartoons
9. Listening to the radio
8. Internet
7. Playing video games
6. The mall
5. Aunt Petunia
4. Furbys
3. Pornagraphic videos
2. Driving a car
1. Britney Spears

Top Ten Things Snape Say Before He Goes to Bed By Kittykat51331

10. "I wish I knew where I put that condom..."
9. "Memo to self: Go girl shopping tomorrow, my Ex is in the dungeon."
8."Please, God, please kill Remus, cousin IT, Harry Potter, Lockhart, Barney and the purple tellitubby."
7. "God, thank you for sending me Neville, it's fun to make up new insults to use on him!"
6. "WHY ME?! WHY ME?!"
5. "I wonder what happens when i put a G.I. Joe in the microwave..."
4. "Urge to kill rising!"
3. "Kill POTTER!"
2."My hair is soo sexay, everyone knows it."
1. "Please, God, make me handsome, give me huge muscles and make all the girls love me."

Top Ten Things Snape likes in a girl By Meowkhat

10) She's breathing
9) She's not gay
8) She is a human being
7) She will not critecise his looks
6) She'll make out with him when he wants to, where he wants to, how he wants to
5) She hates Harry Potter
4) She's not greedy
3) She'll rub his back
2) She's not vain
1) He likes her

Top 10 Things Snape Would Do If He Was At A Party By Jamie Snape

10. Get drunk
9. Stay out really late until the next morning
8. Try to get Hermoine drunk just to be mean
7. Dance on table tops
6. Make a love potion for some girl he has a crush on
5. Take over the party.
4. If any alcohol, take it all for himself
3. Stay in bed for 2 days
2. Cast a spell on the whole party
1. Get Harry kicked out of school

Things Snape Says To A Girl When Drunk By Emily M.

10. "One time at band camp..."
9. *he breaks down crying* "My mom never hugged me!"
8. "Come my lady, come come my lady. You my lady. Sugar baby."
7. "Are you a virgin? Can I check if you are?"
6. "I admit I've never had a good Coke."
5. "I like your hair. It's purdy."
4. "I am Mr. Pimp!"
3. "Who's your pimp?"
2. "Do you have a condom?"
1. "Come to the bathroom I have something I wanna discuss."

Top 10 Reasons I like Snape... By Jamie Snape

10. Teaches Potions
9. Alan Rickman just brings him to life
8. Snape looks good in black
7. Doesn't let anyone tell him what to do
6. He's head of Slytherin
5. Tall
4. Mysterious
3. The word SNAPE is very close to the word SNAKE. Just change one letter 2. He's cute
1. Snape is just an AWESOME teacher

Top Ten Things Snape Does Whenever He Sees You By Dlarue2

10. Walk straight pass you as if you weren't there.
9. Raise his eyebrow and ask what the devil you're up to this time.
8. Ducks behind a trash can.
7. Bows down (You're the almighty fanfic author, and unless he wants to be a crossdresser in the chapter, he will bow)
6. Takes 5 points from Gryffindor (you were breathing his air!)
5. Reminds you of your detention
4. Runs the other way
3. Yells: "NO, NOT YOU AGAIN!"
2. Thanks you for the silky black boxers you gave him for Christmas
1. ***drum roll*** Nothing, cause even though we fangirls HATE to admit it, he's not real. ***ducks as kitchen ware is thrown***

Top Ten Things That Snape Would Hate to Have Happen By Becky

10. Grow Breasts
9. One word: LOCKHART
8. Come into class with toilet paper stuck to his foot
7. His secret lover to die. (
6. Go for a massage with Hermione as the worker
5. His dick to fall off
4. See Malfoy naked
3. Syn to make a chain of these great sites
2. Find a students notebook with nude drawings of Severus himself in it
1. McGonagall accidenally brush her hand across his crotch

Top Ten Things That are NOT in Snapes Bedroom By Becky

10. Bras
9. Thongs
8. Syn
7. Tighty Whities
6. A hoola girl lamp
5. Anything colorful
4. Vibrator
3. Windows
2. Naked Men
1. Naked Women

Top Ten Reasons Why Snape Should Become a Model

10. Has a nice smile
9. Knows how to strike a pose
8. Looks good in black
7. Idolised my millions
6. Smooth skin
5. Dark eyes
4. Ha managable hair
3. Has great posture
2. Is played by Alan Rickman (I dunno how this can help his modelling career, but whatever)
1. Just look at the legs!

Top Ten Surprises from Snape

10. He has a nipple ring
9. He has webbed feet
8. Is a fabulous singer (research tells me he once auditioned to be a back up singer for Metallica)
7. He wears the amulet his father left him
6. He actually has an amulet
5. He has a picture of his mother on his bedside table
4. He doesn't sleep alone. Say hello to... Snukums!
3. He owns a pair of leather pants. Tight.
2. Shampoo burns his skin
1. He has a wife and has been happily married for several years

Snape's Chambers -- the funny side of liking Professor Snape